Word Vomit: Humor Shorts

I feel like shit. I don’t want to think, the internet is down and there’s no work so here I am, pouring my boredom all over this page. I’m not sure what to write about, like I said I don’t want to think, so I’m just going to write whatever comes to my head. Not sure where this will go.

I haven’t been writing much lately. I think getting the internet at the apartment will help. It’s like a fucking cave in the dinosaur times… with an xbox. I can’t get sucked into playing that thing too much, you saw what it did to me in high school and college. How I ended up with girlfriends is beyond me.

Now I understand why people drink coffee every day. If you take coffee at face value it’s a very interesting thing. So many people have a passionate anger when it comes to drugs, yet they need one just to make it through their own life. Coffee and drugs are the same thing in theory. Coffee gives you energy just like some drugs do. I’ve literally felt “high” on coffee before. Still no one looks at it like that. The thought is that there are no side effects so coffee isn’t a drug it’s just a thing. I need to do some research because I don’t think that’s true. Obviously there a teeth rotting issue, it fucks with your metabolism, and it can’t do anything good to the heart. Indirectly it promotes bad sleeping habits which can lead to a multitude of issues. Now that I think of it I could really use a nap.

Switching gears, how is it that we can manufacture a microchip so small you can barely see it but we can’t keep the internet from going out from time to time? People in the future will probably look back and say something like, “man that would have sucked to have to wait three hours to download a movie” or something. They won’t understand how big the internet was when it came out. I sure as hell don’t and I remember the days before. The first time I ever tried to use the internet I typed “games” into the browser. When that didn’t work I decided that the invention sucked. Wrong. Wong. Asian.

Now there’s this “cloud computing” shit. Wtf is the cloud? It’s a better name than the “internet” at least. If you ask a kid where a cloud is he’ll point to the sky. Ask him where the internet is and he’ll point to a computer. Which is more accurate?

It’s funny how so much of life exists in a nonexistent world. That’s another thing people are contradictory about. Judge those that make friends and lives through video games  and then turn around and blog about it to their own internet friends. Tangible life is no longer actual life. Live a tangible life and you’ll be labeled Amish. I guess it’s a good thing though. If all of the shit we do existed tangibly then we’dve already fucked the earth, not that we haven’t already.

How are we gonna solve that shit? No one knows. We’ll just keep doing what we’re doing until we can’t do it anymore, then someone will figure it out. The “Green” people are like the kids in school who did their term papers a month in advance so they could live carefree. The rest of the world is that dumb fucker cramming 18 piles of shit into a slightly more organized pile of shit two hours before the paper is due.

How do people not get “average”? If we think about humanity as a whole we have to assume that it will move in concert with what the “average” human being will do. Then again it takes someone more than average to do something like invent the internet. That pretty much changed the course of human history. That guy got laid.

There will probably be a time when people won’t even be able to relate to history anymore. Life in the future will become so different that history won’t even make sense. Napoleon? Fuck that what the hell is that thing he’s riding? A horse? Wtf is a horse? Why is that guy so small? I don’t know.

Can you imagine if we eventually go to other planets? What if the earth becomes uninhabitable? How could you possibly relate to the history of human kind on earth if you and everyone you know was born and raised on mars? Fuck “before Christ” it would be something like “before mars”. A whole new set of time, and extension and manipulation of the line. This is actually getting a little weird and making me feel very insignificant. I mean if one day the guy who created the internet will be forgotton (not that anyone knows who it is now, I think it was a group of scientists but obviously no one gives a shit) then what the fuck am I even trying for? I guess so I don’t have to live like a bum. Then again Chris McCandless did it. Went Amish. Look what happened to him.

Humans pretty much suck now as an animal. So lazy that we just build shit to do everything for us. “I really don’t want to walk up that hill but since we have to we might as well build some stairs to make it easier.” **Invents stairs** “Damn stairs suck, my calves burn. We should totally make the stairs move that way we won’t have to do shit.” **Invents escalator** “This is pretty nice but it still kinda takes a while, I need something more direct. How about a box that just goes straight up to the top?” **Invents elevator** “Fuck yea this is getting better, but we can only fit so many people in the box.” And so on and so on until eventually we just level the hill because we’re sick of it.

I think we should all have to do a rotation doing the shit that’s on human planet. Get that fat motherfucker from the office to climb a 150 foot tree for some honey. That’ll sting some perspective into his ass (so will my foot). I mean SO lazy, so so SO lazy. So lazy that when there are problems we can’t even take responsibility for them. “Wow I really fucked that one up,”  “it’s ok man you must have ADD or something.” “Uhhh… yea that’s it… it’s not my fault… I have ADD.” Ok that sounded kinda douchey but you get the point. I mean I’m sure there are a few people that are DESTINED to be fat for no reason, but for the rest? You’re fucking lazy. I am too though. We’re all guilty of it. Maybe the whole psyche behind us thinking being in-shape is attractive is because we know those people are actually getting out and doing something. Ok probably not.

I see this everyday in LA

Interesting. I’ve actually wasted quite a good bit of time. Still it’s sad that I only write when the internet is down. For some reason my mind would rather waste a half hour reading about the new Hello Kitty theme park that’s opening in Tokyo. I’m sure that place is the shit. I would go but I can’t on account of I don’t give a fuck. Still it had me memorized for no goddamn reason.

Man we really do suck. Maybe I should make my kids grow up without the internet and tv. Naw then kids would make fun of them and call them Amish. Plus they’d be weird.

It’s funny how that works. You are only weird because you don’t do the same things everyone else does. I’m sure there was some village weirdo that didn’t like sacrificing other human beings for the sake of the gods back in the Incan days. Maybe it wasn’t the Inca who did that but whatever you get it. Funny how it changes.

Now that I think about it I am starting to realize more random shit. Like, back in the day chicks actually dug fat dudes. It meant they were rich and could afford to eat like a pig. We misrepresent history to make it fit into our time.

How will those fuckers on mars misrepresent ours? I guess it’s different because we can record video or take pictures so they know exactly what it looks like. Still there is a bunch of that type of shit made in the 90s that’s already obsolete. Wonder if they pick up a computer and are like “wtf is this piece of shit?” “Fuck it lets go play blarg.” Yea blarg is going to be some weird martian sport. I can already imagine the martian Tiger Woods just slaying it in anti-gravity. Oh SHIT what if they don’t even know what GRAVITY FEELS LIKE. That would be crazy. I mean they’d obviously have to have some sort of gravity to keep them on the surface but I doubt it would be as heavy is it is here. So much for all those high-jumping world records. The sprinters are fine tho. Those martian peeps will have no clue how we could go so fast without aid. Without aid isn’t even the truth. Damn steroids.

Maybe they’ll have some fucked up steroids that will let you fly through space or something. That’d be legit. “Yo mom we’re taking a flytrip” “oh yea? Where to?” “the second moon from mars” “ok honey don’t forget to pack some underwear.”

Alright this is getting to be too much, plus I can leave soon without looking like I didn’t do shit all day… which is exactly what I did.

5 Responses to “Word Vomit: Humor Shorts”
  1. tsonoda148 says:

    Not sure what you’re smoking, Kluck, but it’s Not nice to Not share!
    Geez, I thought I was a random thinker, but you got me trumped by a mile.
    LOVE it.

  2. hmunro says:

    I’m with tsonoda: Your random thoughts trump mine by a mile. But I’ll take your random thoughts over most people’s *organized* thoughts any day. (Where else could I read about the Amish, Mars and escalators in the same post?!)

    Hope you feel better soon, BTW …

  3. Ashley M. says:

    OMGGG! Just finished reading that entire thing and I only have one question for you…do you think they’ll have the Hello Kitty theme park on Mars one day?!?!? That would be legit.

  4. I remember an old episode of Pinky and the Brain that showed what was going on inside Pinky’s head. It was pretty similar to this.

    “I think so Brain, but how are we ever going to get the elephant to fit into the tutu?”

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