Road Kill Possum Tastes… Not That Awesome

Making Possum jerky

While we’re on the subject of eating cute furry animals I may as well own up to another one of my weird, adventurous, and sickening food moments.

Unlike the Rambo-esque demise of my little squirrel friend, this possum met his possum maker on the roads of New Zealand, undoubtedly run over by the hoards of Uruk-hai marching from Saruman’s tower to slaughter Hobbits in the Shire. Surely it would have laid there, aging under the elements until it became a freeze-dried pile of fur like the dead dog we had in our front garden while I was growing up, but for some poor soul who took one look at its mangled flesh and said, “Damn that would make a good pie.”

Sometime later, the road kill possum pie was baked and subsequently divided into smaller, pie shaped morsels in the shack of what the Aussies would call “country bougan”.  Enter a group of American tourists on a spring break tour of the south island taking a middle of nowhere stop on the way towards the glaciers of Mordor (the movie exaggerates all that lava bullshit) and you have a shitty made for TV horror movie.

All of man’s bad decisions have to do with a girl; Adam had Eve to tempt him with an apple and Leonardo DiCaprio had what’s-her-face on the Titanic. Besides the creation of man and 11 time academy award winning thing, mine wasn’t much different. It wasn’t long until some hot girl noticed the bite-sized possum pies on display for the equivalent of 25 American cents. The adventure of being in New Zealand quickly took over and, in a spur of the moment decision she snapped, “I’m going to eat one, who wants to do it with me?” All I heard was the second part of that statement, so my excitement was quickly replaced with disgust as I realized what I actually was going to get to “do”. Unfortunately for me, it was too late to pull out. Sexual innuendos aside I realized that passing on the road kill treat would make me look like a wuss and would severely impact the “little to no” reputation that I had worked so hard to build with my fellow Americans. Reluctantly I agreed, and down the hatch it went. I should have at least tried to pull the wedding cake move as a consolation prize. Fails all around.

Unlike squirrel, possum does not taste like chicken. As I recall, it tastes like premium canned catfood… not that I’ve tried premium canned cat food… ok who am I kidding that friskies commercial made it look like cat food would give me a better experience than mushrooms. It may have been the road kill bit, or possibly the quality of the pie crust, but that thing was chewy, bland, and not at all a good decision. Sadly enough for me, my attempts at culinary machismo were defeated upon reacting like a 5 year old girl who hates brussel sprouts but was force fed them through a funnel. To add to my shame, the hot chick simply said, “hmmm, gross” and walked away while I continued to throw a gagging fit of epic proportions.

Ironically enough, not one night later, my roommates and I were visited by a black possum while playing cards near the sliding glass door of our hotel. He lingered for a while, took a long, deep, pitiful look into my soul, and then sauntered off into the darkness.

The enemy has many spies.

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Comments
9 Responses to “Road Kill Possum Tastes… Not That Awesome”
  1. Dude, one of these days I have to fly to LA and party with you. Hilarious!

  2. That fetid possum pie is probably the only other thing that could make me projective vomit, besides syrup of ipecac. I accidentally swallowed poison berries as a cub scout. Syrup of ipecac in the ER made the exorcist look mild. It worked in about 10 seconds of swallowing the stuff – which tastes like a public ashtray smells. But ipecac is sweet like tobacco juice smells running down the chin of a hobo. But only if that juice was mixed with the cigarette butts and ashes, blended into sludge; and this sludge were then expelled from the large intestine of a cud-chewer in the form of a putrid sort of diarrhea- nasty hobo spit, cigarette butts, and animal entrails, and if you swallowed a quart of this, and it rushed right down your throat, sort of like if you were taken off guard, and it shot into your mouth, while you were deep-tongue kissing a camels asshole!
    The ER syrup of ipecac camel shit really came out of me. I must have sent a wave of vomit 4 feet through the air, I was supposed to use a basin to vomit in, but I looked up at a nurse at the last second.
    She was covered in deadly nightshade berry, chunky purple camel bowel and cigarette butt liquid diarrhea vomit.
    Then I had the dry heaves for about 6 minutes until my abdomen muscles were pulled. The nurse took it all really well.

    I think the possum is the only other thing known to me that could do that sort of thing to a human stomach. Welcome to the emetic club.
    I think we should get a medal for that.
    🙂

  3. tsonoda148 says:

    Kluck….this old chick agrees with the hot chick. Hmmm Gross.

    But funny as heck!!

    • kluckmeister says:

      All in the name of humor! Well I guess that wasn’t in the name of humor but most of the future ones will be. Who am I kidding I’m sure they’ll all be for women in some way or another. We are just slaves…

  4. I have an ‘I won’t eat anything cute or endangered’ policy on meat eating. Possum doesn’t fit into either but after this, definitely off my list.

    Funny stuff!

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  1. […] of my tastebuds who have enjoyed (and/or not enjoyed) such delights as teriyaki squirrel, roadkill possum, a 1 lb burger, a Japanese hot-dog, a NY Pizza Burger, and a 50 piece McNugget. Though my tastes […]

  2. […] Think that was gross? I’ve also eaten possum roadkill… […]



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