Slut’O’Ween: If Only the Pagans Could See Us Now

Another Halloween come and gone and again I am left dazed and confused from too much beer, candy, and overexposed female anatomy. Maybe someone from an older generation can explain to me at which point in time America side-stepped the conventional Halloween celebrations in lieu of more, how should I say this, expressive ones. I am going to go on a limb and blame it on the scapegoat decade of the 70s but that is all speculation. While I have no clue when this deviation occurred it is clear to me that conservative Halloween values have been lost for more than my lifetime. If the original purpose (to scare away evil spirits with your costume) was an actuality, the majority of the US female population would undoubtedly be pregnant with evil spirit spawn. I can’t remember the last time I looked at a girl’s costume and felt scared, in fact I can’t remember the last time I looked at a woman’s costume and wasn’t semi turned on. I’m sure the evil spirits have been feeling the same way over the years. The New York Times wrote an interesting article that calls this movement “post-post-post feminism”; I call it slutty. Women are becoming increasingly clever about how to get away dressing up (or in this case dressing down) like strippers. The night is dominated by sexy *insert whatever here*s and other, more unique costumes like my personal favorite “the lingerie football league player”.

Now I am not necessarily complaining. A holiday celebrating drinking, candy and scantily clad women is completely ok in my book, but women’s lack of ingenuity has the unintended consequence of creating crappier men’s costumes. Men are forced to try to come up with funny costumes in an effort to get the slut’o’witches to talk to them. I mean let’s face it girls. If you’re dressed up like a lingerie angel are you really going to hang out with the dude that has the ugliest/scariest costume at the party? Stop lying to yourself (and, more importantly, to me). So men try. Some come up with great costumes like Rufio, some like me play it safe with a German beer drinking theme, and other dudes try too hard to be noticed by dressing as a baby with a fake grandma attached to the front. Yea I don’t know what it means either and he was too drunk to explain it to me.

Personally I would love Halloween to be like a scene out of a Harry Potter movie where humans band together to ward off evil spirits with magic and funny costumes but unfortunately that is never the case. Instead, the slutty whatevers mix with the “trying too hard to be funny” nobodys while dancing to not scary music and eating candy like children. Then, after a few hours of utterly uneventful partying, everyone passes out and wakes up with a stomach ache the next morning. If only the pagans could see us now.

Long live Halloween

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Comments
15 Responses to “Slut’O’Ween: If Only the Pagans Could See Us Now”
  1. balladeer says:

    Loved your funny take on this! I agree, too, no matter what a woman goes as anymore it has to be a sexy version of whatever she’s supposed to be.

  2. tsonoda148 says:

    Woman’s perspective here………well, OLD woman……..and also gay woman……but woman nevertheless. So, let me get this straight (ahem)… You young men are “complaining” about the costumes being too slutty? Wow, I believe I have entered into the Twilight Zone, where nothing is as it seems. The standard comment from a woman here would be, “We’re costuming in accordance with and reaction to your normal male behavior, and giving you what we think you want for a change.” But since we’re really not in that “Zone”, the standard comment might be, “Well, it was just too cute to pass up……OMG, has matching leggings and everything…..how cute is that!” In this second comment, not thinking of pleasing you (men) at all, just getting their Halloween fashion Diva on.
    So who really knows. My advice would be JUST ENJOY THE VIEW.
    Helpful?
    Terri
    *****big evil grin here

    • kluckmeister says:

      Haha you are right. I need to put away my analytical side and just enjoy the view! It’s tough tho when even my job title has the word Analyst in it. Plus it doesn’t make for as fun writing 🙂

      • tsonoda148 says:

        Nah keep the analytical and still enjoy the view. Something tells me you can handle both! And definitely keep writing! Love visiting. Love reading. Love laughing. Good blog!

        Terri

  3. Alex B. says:

    yo kev, what happened to the guy i remember a couple of Halloween’s back…running around downtown Sydney, Australia, in nothing but a diaper… piss drunk and taking pictures with confused Asian tourists. That’s the Kevin the world needs! oh yea, i think you had a bib on 2. good stuff.

  4. Lisa says:

    I obviously must insert a Mean Girls quote here: “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” And there you have it.

  5. Very good post. Appreciate the humor. As for me, I’d sure like to go back to the time when Halloween wasn’t so slutty.

  6. The modern Halloween costume makes it easier for turning tricks (or treats).

  7. Annie May says:

    How about that girl who was a powderpuff? But was just in her underwear… Woa. I think you were scared of my fake blood… but then again I have to remember that you boys don’t really consider me a “real” girl, and would probably be shocked if I was wearing something slutty. I think things started getting out of hand when we realized that we were sexually appealing to the opposite sex (or same sex I might add), so maybe freshman year of High-School?

  8. andyveilleux says:

    i couldn’t agree more, the whole “sexy [insert name here]” trend is ridiculous, and thoughtless. I prefer creative costumes any day. 🙂

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