My Yellowbrick Road to Obesity: The Fudruckers One Pound Burger

Posted by kluckmeister on November 5, 2010 · 22 Comments 

I returned from Vegas battered and broken at not being able to complete the 50 nugget challenge but was more determined than ever to redeem myself. Luckily I got my chance just a week or two later.

One of the first burger places I went upon coming to California was a nice family establishment called Fudruckers. Besides the obviously funny name that I’ve now inputted into many a failed joke (ie. you mother fudrucker) the place has a surprisingly awesome atmosphere. The walls are scattered with sports and music memorabilia but not enough to make you choke on the 70s and walk the actual stairway to heaven. It is nice and open and offers a variety of some exotic burgers ranging from your typical beef to things like elk, buffalo and even ostrich! You would think that a menu like this would call for a post about an ostrich burger but my eye was focused on a shiny display case in which they highlighted their ONE POUND BURGER! I nearly died when I saw it but I am smart enough to test the waters before jumping into a shark infested bonanza of ketchup and protein. I ordered a ¼ buffalo burger to see if Fudruckers was in fact legit. The answer was yes with tomatoes, lettuce, ketchup, mustard and pickles on top. By the time I had finished my burger I had almost forgotten about the pounder (my new nickname for it. At some point I am going to have to get some royalties for all these great names I think of) but Dave would not let me forget it. At that moment I made a pact with Dave and Bambii that at some point I would enter into yet another self-proclaimed contest to finish the Fudrucker’s one pound burger.

Flash forward a month and all of the sudden it’s Bambii’s last week in California before she leaves to take a promotion in Savannah Georgia. My mouth had written a check and now it was time for my stomach to pay up (with interest). Once again I have to praise my ability to think before I act. On an average weekday I have a granola bar for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and then a chicken or fish dinner. Not calculating the almost 4 pounds of peanut m&ms I eat a week (sick I know) I realized that I didn’t really have an appetite. The fix? Practice makes perfect. The night before the challenge I went to Marri’s and decided to order the biggest, chessiest, tortelliniest dish they had… with chicken. It turned out the biggest of such a kind ends up being about a pound of food. I figured that if I could eat this then SURELY I would be able to handle the one pound burger. Here is the note I wrote to myself after this meal: Kevin, next time you decide to eat a ton of food, make sure that it is not cheese filled tortellini with cheesy marinara sauce and shredded cheese on top. Also, don’t add more parmesan you fudrucker. After sitting in the bathroom at home for 15 mins worrying I was about to puke a gigantic glob of cheese my stomach decided to let me at least lay down but the epic battle of the stomach bulge (eerily accurate sound effects included) kept me awake most of the night.

The next night I was starting to regret my practice method. I hadn’t been hungry all day. In fact, I actually had to force myself to eat two granola bars to make sure I would keep my metabolism going. By the time I made it home, I thought that I might have to throw in the towel. All it took was one look and smart comment by Dave to keep me going. If I backed out now he’d make sure I’d never hear the end of it and probably find someway to involve the red wings beating up the avalanche to really pull the strings. Plus I owed it to Bambii and I was still reeling the failed McNugget challenge. Reluctantly, but proudly, the challenge had to go on.

Surprisingly (well maybe not to you but to me) I don’t think many people order the one pound burger at fudruckers. The girl behind the counter had a somewhat puzzled smirk on her face when I asked for one pound of buffalo flesh. It may have been the use of “flesh” or it may have been the fact that they didn’t serve 1 lb buffalo burgers. Either way she tried to direct me away from the challenge, “We don’t do the buffalo burger in 1 lb, do you want the ½ pound?” In my current state I realized the gravity of the Devil testing the month-long abstaining Jesus in the desert (ok not really but she was offering me an out that my body desparately needed). “No I do not want the ½ pound, just give me whatever kind of meat comes in one pound.” I realized afterwards that this was easily a free invitation to give me some sort of leftover meat that they had been trying to get rid of for weeks but luckily this didn’t happen. She laughed and placed the order. The kitchen area is wide open so I was lucky enough to watch the chef read the order from the screen, chuckle to himself, and plop down a burger patty the size of my face. Usually burgers shrink when they cook, this one did not. In fact it looked like it sprouted burger legs and ran around on the fryer eating the other, more wimpy, burgers. I did my best to cover it with ketchup and mustard but the grease made an almost condiment-proof force-field that made the liquids slide right off. My stomach kicked me for sitting down with that behemoth in front of me and then elbowed me for ordering a CHEESEburger (how much cheese do you think it takes to cover a 1 pound burger? I don’t know either and I’m glad I didn’t think about it at the time). I took a picture to document the occasion and then started shoving my face.

Any experienced food eater will tell you that an eating challenge is all about pace. Luckily for me, I got my rhythm on in a big way. To do this I had to cut out all distractions; conversations, sports on the tvs, shining lights, Elvis staring at me in a creepy manner from all angles, and the pretty blonde in the corner. None of it mattered. It was me and the burger. I went so far into the zone I almost transcended into a state of non-consciousness like the Buddhists. When I came to, I had two bites left and didn’t even feel sick. Call it lucky, or call it good preparation, I took the two bites and pwned that burger challenge and, as a “kluck you!” to the chicken nuggets, I even ate the majority of the fries.

Filed under Crazy Food, Humor, One Pound Fudruckers Burger · Tagged with Adventure, Beef, Burger, Comedy, Contest, Food, Fudruckers, Humor, Meat