When Fatty Food Gets Ironic: Heart attack at the Heart Attack Grill
Ok so since the beginning of this blog you all have experienced almost 100% original kluckit material, painstakingly planned out in time that could be counted in minutes, bad jokes, and/or calories. Well my friends, that turned out to be too much. In an effort to stop disappearing for months at a time you may get more of a commentary on the amazing happenings in the world, and let me be the one millionth person to tell you, the world is an amazing place.
This does not mean I am losing my focus, in fact today’s bit of knowledge follows my yellow brick road to obesity all the way to the land of lipid-layer Oz-mosis. Yes my friends, today is the day someone had a heart attack while eating at a place called… Heart Attack Grill (see example waitress above).
Ok maybe it wasn’t today, but today is the day I found out and clearly nothing happens in this world until I know about it.
It shouldn’t come as any surprise that Americans are idiots and this story is filled with so much Iron-y and I-f&%king-told-you so’s that it’s almost painful to realize that this sh*t actually happens. While eating a restaurant that boasts meals in excess of 10,000 calories and provides free food to anyone weighing over 350 lbs (sister company to the store that gives out free cigarettes to anyone who smokes over 2 packs a day), some poor soul actually had a heart attack while eating the aptly and ironically named, “Triple-Bypass Burger”.
If you were one of my core group of friends throughout school you can easily imagine me making “the-face”. For everyone else who has no clue what I’m talking about, it looks like this ———–> -_-
In all seriousness people, I joke about fat foods a lot. Ok maybe that was an understatement, I joke about fat food all the time but at what point did we start to replace reality with novelty? Even with the seriousness of this article (some dude had a heart attack for f*&k’s sake) I STILL find my initial reaction to be rolling around the floor of my office while everyone stares at the kid who is either not doing work or just came across THE FUNNIEST discounted cash flow valuation he has ever seen (I mean seriously though, between those tax amortization benefits and residual value calculations, who can get anything done, am I right? Anyone? -_-).
I guess my point is this, we can all yell at big corporations and their responsibility to serve us food that won’t… well… give us heart attacks but it’s stuff like this where we seriously need to take a step back and look at ourselves and say… “really?” I certainly don’t want to victimize the… victim (man all this time off writing is seriously killing my creativity), but if he were to stand up after recovering and say, “man, didn’t see that one coming” I feel like I’d have to introduce my hand to his face.
I agree that businesses should be worried more about the good of the people than profits but at some point we as Americans are going to have to start taking ourselves seriously or the rest of the world will continue to see us as the spoiled, rich, fat kids that we are.
Also, bonus points for anyone who can guess where this place is located without looking it up. I’ll give you a hint, this place and its excess inspired this blog.
UPDATE: Not two months later and IT HAPPENED AGAIN