WTF Moment of the Week
Have you ever had one of those days where you just had to wonder about your purpose on the earth? I’m talking about a day where you have been cast as the world’s porta-potty to be constantly shit on by strangers who’ve eaten too many bacon wrapped chili-dogs at the local fair. Luckily I don’t have too many of these days, but last night was an exception. I have to start by saying it really wasn’t THAT bad, it was more a night of unlucky events leading to some random experiences. The only bad thing that came of it all was a pushback of my bedtime but it’s entertaining nonetheless. It started with me working late. Now people, when I say late, I mean LATE. This is the type of late where you get the feeling that someone’s watching you at your cube and you look up only to realize that EVERYONE on the entire floor has gone home for the night. This is also the type of late where the train stops running frequently and switches to half hour increments in order to serve the nightly freak show that is downtown/south LA.
I knew I was in trouble when I got on the train. I picked a window seat, per usual, and was then pinned into place by a behemoth of what I believe was a human being. This was not terrible until two semi-unusual things happened at once to create one of the most annoying experiences I’ve ever had. It isn’t uncommon for people to bring their own music on the train; I bring my iPod every day. It IS a bit uncommon for someone to bring a boom box (yes they still exist!) and play it loudly on the train. It is VERY uncommon for TWO people to bring boom boxes on the SAME train and have a boom box volume battle. I don’t mind music, and I don’t mind music mash-ups, but loud traditional Latin American music does not coincide well with loud rap and does especially poorly with loud rock that I tried to use to drown out this chaotic disaster. The problem would have been easily solved if I had the ability to switch cars at one of the stops but one look at the Snorlax next to me told me that the trouble would be worse than the gain.
Loud music on a train, so what? I mean it was only a forty minute train ride so why am I complaining? Well as the train came to my stop and my moment of glorious freedom approached there was a door malfunction. Yes, for the first time since I’ve been riding the train I stood and watched as the doors remained closed, laughing at me as I repeatedly slammed my hand, and eventually my head on the door release button, trying desperately to escape dj hombre and sir mix’a loud.
Defeated and broken, I stared helpless out the window watching my station, and part of my soul, disappear into the darkness. The train doors opened effortlessly at the next stop as if to say, “oh yes I did” as I stumbled out into the cold to wait 30 mins for the next returning train to arrive. Accepting my fate, I placed my head against a lightpost to escape the wind and tried to derive entertainment from two skaters smoking weed a few benches down. After a few minutes of this my ears were bombarded by loud ranting filled with a stream of profanity. As I swiveled my tired head around to locate the source of the commotion I realized that it was none other than the female version of the mumblin’ man. Though I can’t tell you exactly what she was ranting about, I can say that the main take away from her motivational speech was that “they fucked me [her] up!” I’m assuming that “they” are probably hardcore drugs.
After ten minutes of listening to random swear words mixed to make incoherent sentences, the returning train finally arrived and as I entered the doors I was greeted with the big smile of Agent Coke. What he was doing on the RETURN train to Los Angeles at 10:30pm I have no clue but I was definitely not in the mood to ask.
After FINALLY making it back to my stop I quickly walked to my car and drove off faster than the speed limit would let me. I was so out of it at that point that I didn’t realize until I was halfway home that I had been listening to commercials on the radio for a good 10 minutes. Remembering that I had just re-set all 6 of my pre-set stations I became excited at the thought that I would find some good music to end my night. Nothing. All but one station were continually running commercials so I was forced to listen to the last half of “I Got you Babe” for the rest of my drive. To top it off the radio host was having some sort of “Love Night” thing so as I pulled into the driveway I got to listen to some woman rave about how she was only beginning to, “discover the depth and breadth of her lover (whose name was ‘Mac’)” and how she wanted to dedicate a song to him. I almost destroyed my engine with how quickly I shut off the car.
I exited the car thinking my long night was finally over and looked forward to watching some Wipeout re-runs when I tripped on something in the grass. I looked down to find a stuffed animal. A f*ckin’ stuffed elephant sat upright, staring right at me with his dark, beady, mischievous eyes. I slowly bent down, picked him up and, in a moment that culminated the essence of my night, tilted my head towards the stars and yelled, “WHAT THE FUCK!?”
Author’s Note to Reader:
Tell me about your WTF moments!